I’m riding on a roller coaster feeling far away from God, wondering if God changed His address. I wonder? He didn’t move – – I did. I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped praying, I stopped journaling every day. Relationships need intentionality. I must be intentional in connecting with God. Relationships simply will not happen by osmosis. God will woo me and beckon me, but… God absolutely will not force a relationship. I want more – more of God – more of Jesus in my life. I am at a loss to put words to my yearning. I only know hunger way down deep, in my soul, a hunger that will not be satisfied is gnawing away inside One day I simply stopped struggling and wrestling and chose to ignore the burn from within. I chose to walk away and pretend, “Who needs an intimate relationship with God any way? Isn’t it enough to just to know Christ. No, it’s not enough. I need an intimate relationship with my creator. We all do! I don’t want to settle for anything less…. Do you?
In THE ORGANIC GOD by Margaret Feinberg, Margaret writes “I want to discover God again, a new, in a fresh way. I want my love for him to come alive again so that my heart dances at the very thought of him. I want a real relationship with him-a relationship that isn’t altered by perfumes, additives, chemicals, or artificial flavors that promise to make it sweeter, sourer, or tastier than it really is. I want to know a God who, in all his fullness would allow me to know him. I want a relationship that is real, authentic, and life-giving even when it hurts. I want to know God stripped of his many faults, perceptions as possible. Such a journey risks exposure, honesty, and even pain, but I’m hungry and desperate enough to go there. I want to know the Organic God.” In one simple, single, paragraph Margaret voiced my yearning.
My longing, my deep yearning, is still with me. Christmas has arrived – “the Season of Miracles”. I wonder… will I finally come to understand and grasp that for which I so desperately long?
I know, it’s not about Christmas trees, ornaments, lights or gifts. I know it’s not about family gatherings or friends sharing together. Hmm, I wonder, “What would happen if all those things disappeared”? “What happens to Christmas”? If I take the festivities, the tree, ornaments, lights etc., away? Will I find the wonder again? Perhaps?
I’ve lost my first love; I have lost the child like wonder of seeing Christ fresh, new every day. I desperately pant for the wonder in God’s creation. I want to be struck by his mercies which are new every morning, new every moment. I desire not to simply see the beauty, I long for amazement. The childlike awe when experienced for the first time. I want my heart filled with love and wonder; love for my Lord and wonder at all He provides.
Yes, perhaps this will be the season I finally grasp the real meaning of Christmas!
Until next time,