I have not written for a while as I have been spending some more time in the land of confusion and uncertainty. A few years ago I began to journal my prayers. I spend time with God each morning spending time praising and thanking God for who He is and what He has done in my life. Then I lay my requests before Him. Then I open my Bible to read and hear from God. Those times are special they are my lifeline and yet, lately I have somehow managed to set them aside. Not sure why, but I have.
It is interesting to me how quickly one can become unattached to God; how easily one can put God on the back burner; if you will. God is not the one who moves, it is us that moves; in this case me. But why? Why did I move away from the one thing that brings me such joy; the one person that gives me answers, wisdom and insight? Why do I choose to not spend time with the God I profess to love and whom I profess to surrender my life too? Perhaps, I don’t want to hear what I believe God wants to tell me. Perhaps it is the sin of disobedience in my life. Perhaps I feel like it’s no use as the land of confusion and uncertainly is seemingly becoming a way of life. Perhaps I am just tired, perhaps I need to find a different time to meet with God (I typically get up around 5:30am), perhaps I need to go to bed earlier to prepare for the day’s meeting with Jesus, or, perhaps I simply got out of the routine; the habit. The reasons don’t really matter, what matters is that I get back on-track. The Israelites of the Old Testament had similar struggles and similar setbacks with their spiritual walk. That is why when I read of their mishaps and times of disobedience I can’t get to critical of them. Unfortunately, I am not so different.
Those of you who have been following my journey know that I have been in a fog of uncertainty lately; a muddled confusion of thoughts doubts and questions. As I have spent time with God I have discovered more questions than answers; but hidden amongst those questions and thoughts are what may very well be some of the questions I seek.
There is a game that is called will you trust me (or something like that) the premise is 2 people stand up one with their back to the other. The person who is standing with their back to the 2nd person is to fall backwards without hesitation trusting that the other will catch him or her. To take that step further I knew a youth leader who had the kids stand on a table and fall into 2 other people’s arms locked together, sort of like a net, to catch them. That took the trust game to a whole new level.
For me I have come to realize, that in my relationship with God, I have not internalized that I can trust God on the most basic level. Okay, I get it in my head and I do trust God in some fashion of sorts. But if God and I were playing the trust game where He was behind me and I was to fall back without flinching in total trust I would hesitate, and to be embarrassingly truthful, I am not sure I would fall backwards without moving my feet as a safety net, just in case He didn’t catch me. How sad this to me as time-after-time God has shown Himself to be trustworthy and faithful in many facets of my life along the way.
If I could learn trust through head knowledge I would be the most trusting person there was; intellectually I get it. But the truth is … you can’t learn trust that way. We learn it by experience by tried and true testing over the course of time. I am reminded of a time when Joshua was leading the children of Israel. They needed to cross the Jordan River at flood stage. God told them to step into the water and if they did the waters flow would stop. Can you imagine reaching a river at flood stage and being told that you needed to step into it before the water would stop flowing? And not only did you need to step into the water but you would be carrying the Ark of the Covenant with you (no light weight task). Rivers at flood stage are fast, swift, and forceful; they are dangerous. Yet because of the Israelites faith and trust in God, they did just that, they stepped into the water and it piled up in a heap miles upstream. The children of God could not see God at work, they had to trust in what they could not see and trust in the character of God.
My walk of faith is much like this event found in Joshua chapter 3. I need to trust and step into the water. Trusting that God is all the while working upstream; trusting in what I cannot see, but trusting in the character of God that I know to be true and faithful to His Word.
As I type this the thought hits me… is it God that you do not trust or is it you that you do not trust? Do you not trust that what you are hearing is from God? If that is the case, then the trust element takes on a different definition and meaning. And perhaps my trust factor is somewhere in the middle of those questions.
Well my friends with that last question in mind, I will have to leave this for now…. More to come later; I suspect 🙂
Until next time – Be encouraged