Life can be overwhelming even when it is going okay? In general I’m a person who likes change. I find it refreshing and stimulating, but lately that does not seem to be the case. Well that is not totally true either; it is more like I am in a state of confusion. One minute I am embracing change and the next minute I want to run off to some faraway place along the ocean and cease to exist for awhile, or at the very least, pull the covers up over my head and become invisible. My days lately are like a roller coaster ride which never quite ends. I pull into the station to exit the coaster, but the coaster doesn’t stop; it simply teases me into a state of ahhh finally. Instead I find myself going around for another round of twists and turns; some familiar and some seem to be part of a totally different coaster. I’ve things I need to sort out and do, but first I need to get off the roller coaster, or at the very least, get it to slow down. Right now I am not even sure I am on the right coaster. Oh Lord, HELP!
I can’t help but wonder why? Is it because I have had so many changes coming at me lately? Or, is it because I have too much that I am trying to accomplish and my brain is on information overload? Or, is it that as much as I hate to admit this one, I am at the age where I just can’t do all the things I used to do? Or, am I simply resisting entering into a new season of my life? Any of the above could be the culprit, but throw all 4 of them into the mix and that might explain my current confusing ride.
We all have seasons of our lives. We have seasons within seasons too. When we change careers, or get married, or have children those all usher us into different seasons within a season. I am not thinking about seasons within seasons, I am thinking about the seasons of our life as a whole. As our lives begin we enter Spring, a time of new birth and youthful exuberance. Spring ushers in Summer, the mid season of our lives, where we build our families, our careers set goals for retirement and plan for a long future. In this season we tend to have lots of change and movement and perhaps many transitions. Fall is the season where we begin to slow down some. Not as many transitions and less activity in our days. Our kids our grown, we are no longer climbing the corporate ladder and we begin to prune our lives back in preparation for Winter. Fall is the season where we enjoy the fruits of our labor. And finally comes Winter, the season in our lives where we begin to let go in preparation for the Spring of Eternity and new birth in Heaven.
Transitions may not always come easy. Some we simply glide into without even a bump in the ride and others, we slide into kicking and screaming. Some we go into with our hands raised as we head to the top of the roller coaster of life and scream with delight as each turn and twist comes along. Others find us holding on for dear life, afraid of what the next turn or twist will reveal. Sometimes we desire the ride to never end and other times we can’t wait to get off.
I have no clue why I am in such a state of confusion, and the answer may not come for awhile; but I admit I pray it begins to become clear soon. I have never been much of a roller coaster fan. I don’t know the answers, and I really don’t know where to find them right now. I miss the older woman in my life whom I would chat about such things; but God has called her home. I long for a mentor, someone who is older and who has walked a similar road. I pray each day for guidance and for clarity, but for now God is silent. I think to myself I should be able to figure this out, but the clarity does not come.
So for now, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, resist the urge to pull the covers up over my head, and watch for whatever it is I am suppose to be learning. Until the roller coaster comes to a complete stop I will enjoy the ride along the way and look for the unique designs in God’s plan with every twist and curve, and every up and down along the track. And soon, very soon, I pray that I will be able to, once again, have clarity of mind and purpose along the way.
Until next time,